I met Alvin for dinner today...it was alright at the beginning. We went lot 1 to have KFC and jus chatted normally. I still have the feeling that he is my bf when i meet him..hai jus soooo natural that feeling and i could sense the same for him too. When he sent me home, we sat down & talked. He gave me christmas present with a card. The present was a paper weight with the words "I didnt believe in love at first sight before i met u" and inside the card he wrote "I miss u..waiting for u to come back". I was of course touched la..natural ma..haiz...I know both of us still has feelings for each other & actually, he still loves me alot. I dunno abt myself..i know wat is the right thing to do. I really gave him so many chances & this time i really can somehow sense that he changed ..but many doubts and fear also. He stopped gambling..he said he "woke up" suddenly after i told him i wanted to brk this time. He really regretted wat he didnt cherish and realise his mistakes...:( I dunno la..but words are easy to say...i dunno why whenever we are not together, we kinda miss each other and will seem to cherish each other...but when we are together, things change n turn haywire without us knowing it! He said that he has been dreaming of the same kind of dream abt me for days...and he didnt dare tell anyone cos i used to tell him that by telling others abt wat u dream, it might not come true.That's wat my mum says and she believes that whenever u dream of something bad, u have to say it to others to "break" it. Haha..
He said he kept looking out for me whenever he is in school, whnever he has lunch breaks...he kept reminding his friends to inform him if they see me...He always tells his friends he miss me..haiz.. i dunno la..hear all these sure v sad n touched. He said he can never find another girl..he dun wanna find another girl.

I miss him sometimes too..but i know i shouldnt go back cos who knows wat might happen again? It is tiring..i have had enough...gave him many chances. I tot ii was ok until i met him today..tears came pouring out during our conversation. It was hard to tok to him..making him understand why i dun wanna be together with him. Being so stubborn, he didnt wanna listen and he didnt wanna understand..kept saying why cannot be together. I told him he should jus concentrate on his studies, his part-time job, his badminton and graduate to go NS. Dun think too much...if we are meant to be we will be together one day. We can be friends for now..can see each other..even better than we hurt each other and brk la. Meanwhile we should let our choices be open and dun lose any other opportunities ard. But i know its easy to say that but for myself...i dun wanna "gu fu" anybody. I jus dun have the confidence...haiz..since it is so hard for me to remove alvin from my heart. I also told him maybe it's because we only broke off for like 2 months and it's such a short time to let things go...so obviously we tend to miss each other..then after this short brk, we see each other we think we still love each other alot alot..of course we loved each other alot alot...but we had almost a 3 year relationship..of course difficult to end!

Sometimes i even think i might not be able to marry in future haha...:P
Now i feel that i dun have the right to get in a relationship...i dun wanna let down any other person. I dun wanna be with alvin and then later probs arise AGAIN..and brk again..n hurt him again too. It's pointless...i dun wanna hurt another guy too...hai...Sometimes i think i am not "fit" to be in love..maybe the prob lies with me???but i am always the one brking off with the guys...they are the poor victims maybe???Will i end up being single for a long time?haha but i am someone who cannot remain single too long i tink..so USELESS right?I get lonely easily...then i ever cried due to sianzness and loneliness!!!Haha i know i am mad or silly...:P

I feel really fortunate that numerous ppl ard me are caring for me..they are mostly there for me when i need them! But i cant repay all of them..hai..i feel v blessed! thanks alot my friends~! My family and buddies! Haha like a thank-u speech -_-"
Anyway, Xun say new year 2005 is coming..so must throw away all the unhappiness that happened in 2004. Aiyah..where got so easy???
Aiyah i so tired now...dunno wat else to blog already although i know i hven really blog all in my mind..Eyes so tired now..tmr 9am to 5pm!!! Arrrhhh..~!!

I realli look forward to Fri..new year eve! going to Xun's house for gathering and order pizza for dinner! gonna take alot of pics!!!